Tips for nurturing the nature of your baby

From the day your baby is born (even before!), you’ll be able to see his or her core nature peeking through. Some babies are more calm than others, others more fussy. Some like to stare at Mom or Dad a lot; others like to move their eyes around a room. All have subtle differences in their eating or sleeping patterns.

Following are some examples of a baby’s core nature coming through. Here too are some things you can immediately do to tailor your care of your child to fit his or her inborn nature.

1. If your baby seems by nature quite fussy (squirms a lot, can’t be satisfied), try calming music, and enjoy singing to the child (no matter if you can keep a tune!). Try setting the baby down safely on a towel on the floor for a brief period.

2. If your baby seems quite calm (and this personality type can sometimes worry parents, for the baby can be almost listless), stimulate the child with two or three voices (Mom, Dad, Grandma, care provider), and turn the baby outward to look at the world as much as he or she is turned “inward” (in the cuddling posture in the crook of your arm). If your baby is hearing other voices, being carried, and seeing the world, his or her “quietness” is nothing to worry about.

3. If your baby is hypersensitive or cries a great deal (or both), swaddle him or her tightly (with baby’s arms inside the swaddling), so that the womblike feeling of safety calms the neural system. Some babies are by nature more sensitive than others, and some are colicky by nature (no one is sure why); tight swaddling can help this child gain some selfcontrol and drift out of crying into sleep or a respite from tears.

4. If your baby won’t take the breast or has difficulty breastfeeding, make sure to pump breast milk for around two months (consult with your doctor) so that the baby gets the natural colostrum that build his or her immune system. For natural or environmental reasons, some babies don’t take to the mom’s breast as well as others, but they need the protection of colostrum at a minimum.

5. If your baby is one of those who by nature does not seem to sleep well (sleeps restlessly or is colicky), you can put into practice the carry-rock-vibrate strategy. Try carrying the baby, rocking the baby, and placing the baby on washing machines (while in cycle) or in cars (while you’re driving) so that his or her neural system can find the vibrational feeling of being in the womb again.

6. If you have a baby who doesn’t hold eye contact with you as long as another baby might, this is generally not something to worry about. This natural inclination of some kids’ brain and retinas is to move from eye contact to observing objects moving in space (mobiles, other people, any physical movement). This baby might like refracted light. It is not recommended, however, that you put this baby in front of a TV; the visual movement of the “virtual world” is not what his or her brain needs.

7. If you have a child who seems only to want contact with one person for one task (like feeding) and another person for another task (like being rocked to sleep), you may be seeing the child’s core nature—his or her inborn self—already shining through. Already the child is discerning through action what and who is needed when. As you follow this child’s guidance, you’ll see roles change and shift over the years, but you’ll also enjoy (rather than feel rejected by) the ever growing, internal wisdom of your child.

8. If you have a baby who seems “difficult to attach with,” who is resistant or who even cries in seeming anger when you are around, you will most likely need to “wait out” this phase. At the same time, there may be something subtle going on to watch for. An example might be that your infant is uncomfortable with a smell on you (if, for instance, you are a smoker or you work near chemicals). If you can identify no habit or any stimulant on your body that could be affecting this child—and if the baby’s behavior goes on for a month or more—it is best to consult a pediatrician or other specialist.

9. If you have a baby who by nature is quite easy on all fronts, enjoy the peace while you can! This baby may well end up being an easy child all through life—or adolescence may be a time of sudden “difficulty” for this child. The baby you have is going to become the child and then the adolescent and then the adult you have—but not everything about core nature is obvious at birth because the brain is so young.

10. If you have a difficult child, it is essential to get the help you need but also not to worry that this child will therefore become a violent kid, a bad kid, a rebellious and dangerous kid, or a kid who fails. Some of the most difficult infants become some of the most successful women and men. What made them difficult, overstimulated, fussy, or overwhelming as infants can make them creatively aggressive, visionary, and successful as adults. From day one, they are already trying to conquer the world and mold it to fit their expectations; they may not be compliant, but they may be very strong. If you have one of these kids, worry just enough to get three or four other good people to help you care for this infant (don’t try to take on the baby by yourself) and then enjoy the journey.